3 Steps for Developing People Through the "Art" of Difficult Conversations

Part of my role includes talent and organizational development, and one of the 2014 initiatives in this area that I've been spearheading is leadership and manager development.  To kick things off, our entire leadership team (managers and above) just spent two intensive days at Kellogg’s Allen Center participating in a customized leadership development session around the managerial gaps in our organization.  We covered several topics including performance management, coaching conversations, and fostering team collaboration.  However, I want to speak with you about one particular tool we learned around the “art” of difficult conversations.  The session on "Developing People Through the Art of Difficult Conversations” was lead by executive coach and faculty member Brooke Vuckovic and this blog post is based on her presentation.

This topic would be relevant in nearly all leadership development or management training sessions.  Our organization is no different.  I mean, who enjoys tough conversations?  Who even knows someone who enjoys tough conversations?  If there’s one thing I've come to believe on about training and leadership development, it would that it’s much easier to approach what can be an intimidating task if you have a framework to work from.  The framework that Brooke highlighted in her session is the CPR model from Patterson, et al Crucial Conversations, 2005.

Before going into the framework, I want to emphasize a couple points, and the first is to examine whether you should have the conversation at all.  Some things to consider when deciding to have a difficult conversation:

• You’re beating a dead horse – the person gets it
• Timing
• You don’t have the facts
• You don’t understand your emotions or you feel morally superior
• Expectations are not clear
• What’s your intent?  Are you enforcing standards to stick it to others?
• The relationship is superficial or time limited – you should let it go

Additionally, I can’t overemphasize the importance of choosing the right problem to address.  Many leaders fall into the trap of choosing the wrong problem.  Some warning signs that you may have chosen the wrong problem include:

• You’re constantly discussing the same issue
• You feel increasingly frustrated, even if the problem itself isn't escalating, just continuing
• You resolve the issue you originally discussed, but you still don’t feel quite right:  the discussion didn't address what you really want

Once you have correctly identified the problem that needs to be addressed, it’s time to consider the CPR model.

Content:  For first time problems, stick with observable behaviors:  

“Sally, I notice you missed the meeting you had agreed to attend with the client.  I was wondering what happened.  Are you OK?  Did you run into any setbacks?”

Pattern:  If the behavior occurs multiple times, the pattern becomes the issue:

“We've discussed this before.  You agreed it would not happen again, and I’m concerned about the pattern of disappointing our clients and putting the onus on less senior members of the team.  What are our options for resolving this?”

Relationship:  The issue is no longer the behavior or the pattern; it’s that you've lost trust in them; and it’s affecting how you treat one another.

“This is starting to put a strain on how we work together.  I feel like I have to check up on you to make sure client care is managed well and I do not like doing that.  My fear is that I can’t trust you to keep the agreements you make.”

Most difficult conversation topics can move progressively through this model – although it could be argued, that skipping steps can sometime be appropriate, depending on the employee situation. 

When you think of difficult conversations with employees, asking yourself questions to determine if you should even have the conversation is a meaningful exercise, and one that many managers miss when leading their people.  Another potential pitfall for leaders, is addressing the wrong problem.  Consider the three questions above when determining if you've wrongly identified an employee problem.  And lastly, use the CPR model when having those difficult conversations.  Focusing on behaviors, patterns and relationships can keep these tough topics from becoming too personal, and will keep you pointed at the right things.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on handling difficult conversations, and if you've encountered any other models or tactics that work well for you.  Share them in the comments below!